If you need urgent help please call 111
Crisisline: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843
Through our crisis line, we are here to help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Follow the simple steps to be put through to your local Refuge. You will be automatically directed to an Advocate in your region.
Click the below image to live chat with an advocate now
Be proud that you have done whatever you needed to do in order to keep yourself and your children safe, but you all deserve to live without fear, shame and anxiety.
If you’re considering your options, there is no right or wrong way to feel at this moment. You are likely to be feeling a mix of emotions that change in strength and urgency throughout the day, and over time.
There are many things to consider, so try to get clear in your mind before you make your final decision. Talking to someone you trust or people who know about violence against women may help you with the choices you need to make. Do not let the person abusing you know you are thinking of leaving. You can phone our confidential Crisis-line if you want to talk to a Women’s Refuge advocate on 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843.
It’s important to make a safety plan, whether you’re choosing to stay for now or leaving the relationship. Please get in touch with your local refuge to discuss making a plan, you can find their contact details on our website.
And finally, know that there are stories from brave women who have found the courage to leave abusive relationships, and been rewarded with peaceful, loving lives. Because around half of all murders committed each year in New Zealand are domestic violence related, many women believe leaving was the best decision they ever made.
Thinking of leaving?
Are you thinking about leaving? We encourage you to make a plan, be cautious about how you implement it, and make positive choices in your life.
Five things we’ve learned about leaving
- Leaving doesn’t get easier with practice.
- Staying with an abuser is likely to get harder to cope with and more dangerous for you and your children as time goes on.
- The reason you leave the first time will almost always be the same reason you leave the last time.
- You, and only you, will be the best judge of when it is safest to leave.
- All your efforts to keep the peace at home will never work. Why not? Because domestic violence is about your abuser, not you. It is their responsibility to change – and you can only choose whether or not to be around them in the meantime.
How to help a loved on who is experiencing abuse
Only the person using violence can choose whether the violence stops or continues.
Women might make the choice to end the relationship, but that doesn’t mean they can end the violence. People often want to tell women to ‘just leave’ their abusers. But leaving is not always safer than staying. Women are most likely to be killed around the time that they are separating from their abusers. Of women who access Women’s Refuge, 50% believe their abusers might kill them at the time that they reach out for help.
It is important when speaking to a loved one experiencing abuse to ask the right questions and actively listen to the answers:
- “I’m worried because he seems to make you feel bad a lot the time. How safe do you feel with him?”
- “I’m wondering if you have any concerns about how he’s behaving towards you?”
- “If anything is happening at home and you don’t feel safe, I’m always up for a chat about it.”
Always affirm, believe, validate, and reflect
- “It’s okay to talk about it here, you can tell me as much or as little as you want.”
- “I’m really glad you told me.”
- “This was not your fault.”
When someone shares that thing are not right, gently check out the situation
- “Are you safe right now?”
- “Would you like me to call the police?”
- “Would you like to tell me some more about that?”
- “How are you coping with that?”
- “Are you safe right now?”
- “Would you like me to call the police?”
- “Would you like to tell me some more about that?”
- “How are you coping with that?”
If someone opens up to you about abuse they are experiencing it is important to follow-up after the conversation
- “What’s the safest way to get in touch with you?”
- “How can I help you? Is there any practical things I can help with.”
- “Would you like me to sit with you while you call Refuge?”
It takes a lot of courage and often a lot of time to leave an abuser. It is important to be non-judgemental. Respect your loved one’s decisions even if they decide to stay – they still need your love and support. On average it can take 7 attempts to leave for good. For more information on how to help a loved one call our crisis-line on 0800 Refuge.
